Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
me + whiskey = a bad person
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
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