i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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