Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I want to be your penis for a week.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
