He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
