I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
