Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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