Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
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