if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
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