I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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