I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
Randomize
