i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
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