sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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