I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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