I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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