Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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