a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Randomize
