remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize