i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Randomize
