I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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