singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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