So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
