He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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