This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
