Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
