he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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