I'd wear matching sweaters with you
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
