She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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