1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
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