the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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