If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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