battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Randomize
