i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
