the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
zippers are such a cool invention
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Randomize
