Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
