I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
