My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
