Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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