I swear to god he's a one man village people.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize