Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize