I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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