I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
