Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Randomize
