Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
not ubering you a puppy
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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