Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
This beer is not sobering me up at all
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Randomize
