Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
Randomize
