His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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