Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
