I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
my phone needs a breathalizer
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize