Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
