i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
