can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Randomize
