Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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